Storms

Hey.  Just wanted to do a quick post.  I don't really know what I want to say... I just feel like I should say something. 

There's been something on my mind lately, especially with some new things that have happened that will significantly shape how I live my life for the next year or so, and maybe even more.  Nothing catastrophic.  No one close to me has died.  I haven't had my heart broken yet.  My parents still have their jobs.  I haven't developed cancer or some other fetal illness.  I still have a roof over my head and plenty of food to eat.  And yet I still must face these hard trials. 

I'm too embarrassed to share it publicly, which is probably a little shameful and prideful on my part, but it still remains.  But my dad found out about this trial today.  It crushed me to see his disappointment.  On the outside, it may seem that his worry is double that of mine - and it may be truthful on the inside as well.  It's like there's no hope in his eyes.  Yet I still chose to desperately cling to it. 

From the past couple years, I have learned to look at trials from a very different perspective.  I try to see them as blessings in disguise - which can be very hard at times.  When we are faced with challenges, I think every single person - optimist or pessimist - sees the negative side first.  We have this knack of finding the little things that are wrong, worrisome, or problematic.  We tend to think of the worst possible scenario.  While the pessimist chooses to dwell on these scenarios, the optimist will cast them aside and chose to look at the positive side that, while sometimes more subtle and hidden, is always there.  Me, I chose not to dwell on the negative, but I don't cast it out either. 

In one of my classes this past semester, we were talking about a story about a family's journey to a new land and how the entire journey was a symbolism, a microcosm for our whole lives.  The family had to travel in small, crowded boats with no windows or ways to go out and get fresh air.  Half the time the entire boat was filled with only darkness.  And the entire time, a storm raged on over the sea and the family could never tell where they were, how much farther they had to go, or even if they were going in the right direction.  But they never lost faith that God, their Heavenly Father, would help them reach their destination.  Some might wonder how these people could continue on, or how God could let the storm rage over them and let them go through so much torment.  Just like when we feel like we're drowning under the ocean in a boat we can't get out of or breath in, we shout out "Why me, God?"  We wonder why we have been forsaken and what we have done to deserve such treatment.
....But then, we never stop to think, "Why has God presented me with this challenge?" "What can I learn from this?"  We don't realize that while the poor family is being tossed about by the stormy rain and winds, it is those same winds and rain that is pushing the family towards their goal.  God sends us winds, rain, and storms so that we can grow, so we can learn, so we can reach our potential and our goal.

Trials are not a result from God forsaking us, but of God pushing us to be more.  He will never give us anything he knows we cannot handle.  So don't give up.  If He knows you can do it, you better believe it. 

It may seem hard now, and it may be for a while... But have courage that it's a sign that your Heavenly Father trusts you can handle it. 

I don't know what this next year might bring for me, but I'm not worried so much like my dad is.  I'm not going to just leave things to chance, but I'm not so afraid.  Everything has a purpose, and everything is meant for a reason.  If I am meant to go through this challenge now, so be it. 

The wind may try to topple me over, but it's really only pushing me forward. 

So bring it on. 

Stroke of Genius

FINALLY!!! I have a time to update my blog! I felt that it had become kind of useless since I had only 4 posts, and hadn't posted in over a month, but things got so crazy.
College, while fun, is super hard. Homework, projects, realizing you're not doing well in classes and stressing out, drama, stressing out more, finals, and packing up to go home? ....it's enough to just endure it all, let alone continue to have a social life along side it. Yet we all manage it somehow :)

Speaking of which - I just finished my first year of college! I can't even believe it! It's so weird to think that only 8 months ago, I was coming to BYU as a bright-eyed freshman, or that it was once super awkward between my roommates. And now, I am incredibly sad to leave them, and I can't wait to come back to BYU in the fall so that I can live with them in our new apartment that I am beyond excited to live in! I almost want these next 4 months of summer break to go by quickly... but I am still looking forward to not having classes and spending time with my family and some good high school buddies.

I have changed so much, grown a lot, and learned so many things over the past year. I hope that I remember all the great experiences I've had as a freshman. I absolutely love it. When I was talking with my sister the other day, I was complaining to her about the great stresses at college and how she should be grateful that high school is so easy. She groaned at how I was saying that it only just gets harder, especially since she's already so stressed in high school. But I could at least comfort her and say that while college is harder, it is so much more rewarding, and a million times more fun!

Anyway, so one thing that I really wanted to say - and I thought this was pretty profound. So I was in the kitchen today with a roommate as we were packing up all of our dishes and other things and she ran into an issue with finding a space for something. Then she got all excited, exclaiming that she had a "stroke of genius". She went on to do this thing, and then in the middle of it all...she realized that it may not have been the best idea after all. Then, kind of jokingly, I told her,

"Well, when they say you have a stroke of genius, it's not the entire masterpiece - it's just a stroke!"

She kind of chuckled...and then there was a silence. As I pondered what I had just said, my roommate asked me, "Wait...did you just come up with that right now?" And I had. And the more I thought about it, the more profound it seemed. I was actually pretty proud of myself!

If you really do think about it, a stroke of genius is just one small act in the larger picture. You don't make yourself on one single, large, great act. Our lives, our masterpieces are made up of thousands of small, seemingly insignificant strokes of a paintbrush. And really, while the larger strokes seem to get the job done faster, it's the smaller, more subtle strokes that make a painting more interesting, more intricate, and more beautiful. It's like my roommates that I am so sad to be leaving. They have helped me but more stokes on my canvas, and my life is so much more interesting because of it.

So when you are sad that you're making mistakes, and all of your seemingly great ideas seem to go downhill, just remember that you're giving texture to your great and grand masterpiece. And if you're despairing that you haven't had any strokes of genius yet, you haven't been giving yourself enough credit.

And that is my stroke of genius for the day :)
Hopefully I'll keeping my blog updated now.